Doomed

全身上下,似乎经历一场激烈的决斗,这些伤不会致命,但却丑陋又残忍。

不会被痛楚吞噬,但在身体上游走的刺痛仍是抹不去的记忆。

看着天真,背叛令我无力。

只想在人群中消失。

太多生命,不可承受之轻,在隐晦中不知如何拿捏。

我伤害了,结果还是这样,并无惊异,只是,我可不可以不要伤害——伤害那些爱我的和我爱的人?

身体上留下密密麻麻、深深浅浅的割痕;飘飘荡荡、跌跌撞撞地走着,却在不经意间撞到亲密。

能够笑着,能够哭着,只是从未想带来任何伤害。

走着这条路,走到了意料之外;期望痊愈,却又执意不愈。

孤单的列车驶向未知,混乱、纠缠,因为不知道,还是做不到?

结束是一切故事的结局,连自己都无比好奇,为什么在我的故事中,结局都是伤害。这是最不愿看到的结局——自己是那个刽子手,强迫症般的做着最痛恨的事。

So often, I don’t know who I am. One said I am caring, sensitive, and sacrificing for people. The other said I am cold and unapproachable. One said I am loving and putting others’ best first. The other said I am selfish and relentless. I care, then I don’t care. I am thoughtful, then I am thoughtless. I am sensitive, then I am free mind. I please others, then I reject all. I say then I do otherwise. Who the hell am I? Which one on earth is me?  After ¼ of life, I haven’t figured it out. The paradox in me drives me crazy. I am wondering the answer desperately.

Then I would just go: ”better leave, better have a better life without this paranoiac. ”

I hate to label, yet can’t get over that song singing to my soul.

人群中哭着,你只想变成透明的颜色,

你再也不会梦、或痛、或心动了,你已经决定了,你已经决定了。

你静静忍着,紧紧把昨天在拳心握着,

而回忆越是甜,就是越伤人了,越是在手心留下密密麻麻、深深浅浅的刀割。

这世界笑了,于是你合群的一起笑了,

当生存是规则,不是你的选择,于是你含着眼泪,飘飘荡荡、跌跌撞撞的走着。

你不是真正的快乐,你的笑只是你穿的保护色,

你决定不恨了,也决定不爱了,把你的灵魂关在永远锁上的躯壳。

你不是真正的快乐,你的伤从不肯完全的愈合,

我站在你左侧,却像隔着银河,难道就真的抱着遗憾一直到老了,然后才后悔着。

“你值得真正的快乐,你应该脱下你穿的保护色,

为什么失去了还要被惩罚呢,能不能就让悲伤,全部结束在此刻,重新开始活着。”AM I?

Always wondering, why am I so insecure? Why is it terribly hard to trust? Why am I wandering in the vicious circle? Why am I stumble at same place over and over again?    

无题

        还有两周就要回家了。一年多时间对我来说是有些长。我很想回家一趟,也知道无法在那里长留,但是除了想家,总觉得还有其他原因让我这个时间回家。是时候换个地方,即使只是短暂的停留。
 
        毕业已经半年,时间匆匆,第一个半年从学生到无业,到待业,再到职业上的挣扎。我不愿面对每一年自己都年长一岁,贪玩的心理仍旧在长大的身体里蠢蠢欲动。很多事,我不愿想,更懒的想,骨子里的逃避让我在当下愉悦。
 
        还有,温哥华也要变成火炉了,更郁闷的是,没有冷气。转过头,看着我杂乱的房间,总是这样,似乎永远都在整理我的生活;总是这样,肆无忌惮的挥霍与折腾,一团糟后,整理整理,总是在整理。有时,我不知道我在想什么。身体里的好几个我,你争我夺。
 
        其实,我想安静,我想思考,我想找回那个真正的自己。
 
       太热,太热,温哥华同样在劫难逃,遭受着全球变暖的噩运。

想念

突然,那种想念撞到我封闭已久的地方。
我想念爸爸,想念小时候坐在他的腿上、抱着他的脖子,讲出我一切喜怒哀乐。
我想念爸爸,想念小时候从没有秘密,爸爸是最好的倾听者;坚实的肩膀,让我随时都可以倚靠。
我想念爸爸,我知道已经很久很久没有这种想念,我也不清楚那到底是什么——逃避,怨恨,疑惑,绝望…
可是,那想念还在那里。
我想念爸爸,温暖的怀抱,我随时的帮助,安全的港湾。
我想念爸爸,在我无助、孤独、寒冷、软弱的时候,他是我的保护。
无论那是什么,我知道,我依旧想念。
突然间,一切都烟消云散。
有时,我疲倦了,疲倦了倔强地逞强;
我疲倦了,疲倦了一个人扛着一切,又掩埋一切。
我想到了妈妈,坚强的妈妈,可是却刺痛我的心。
其实,我们都需要彼此,都需要保护,需要温暖。
我的手脚总是很冰,冰冷的如同万年封冻。
走在风中,依旧一个人。
我想念爸爸,那双大手总是牵着我的小手。
我想念爸爸,放下一切的逞强与粉饰,我只是他的女儿。
 

It’s all over

最后,我还是选择结束,结束一个没有结果的旅程。

最后,我必然选择顺服,舍与得在天枰两端。

一次又一次走在钢索之上,

危险让一个“我”觉得刺激,

禁忌却让另一个“我”纠结。

走在沙漠中,我反复犯着同样的错误,

明知那蓄水池里的水有毒,我却执意要解一时之渴。

另一个生命,我曾疑惑,为什么在此时此地出现。

另一个生命,与我无法再有交集。

舍弃,对于贪婪的我似如割断手臂;

但是我庆幸,这次我及时回转,

将那疯狂拔出的利剑收回,

将那不顾一切的任性扼住。

 

神的话不断扎我的心,我知道,要停止走在那不归路上。

 

Before I formed you in the womb I knew you,

And before you were born I consecrated you;

I appointed you a prophet to the nations.

Then I said,” Ah, Lord God! Truly I do not know how to speak, for I am only a boy.”

But the Lord said to me,

“Do not say, ‘I am only a boy’;

For you shall go to all to whom I send you,

and you shall speak whatever I command you,

do not be afraid of them, for I am with you to deliver you, says the Lord. (Jeremiah1:5-8)

我未将你造在腹中,我已晓得你;

你未出母胎,我已分别你为圣;

我已派你作列国的先知。

我就说:“主耶和华啊,我不知怎样说,因为我是年幼的。”

耶和华对我说:你不要说‘我是年幼的’,

因为我差遣你到谁那里去,你都要去;

我吩咐你说什么话,你都要说。

你不要惧怕他们,因为我与你同在,要拯救你。”这是耶和华说的。(耶利米书15-8

 

神没有应许我们不会遇到艰难困苦,

而是应许将我们从困境中拯救出来。

神没有让我们免受人生的风暴,

但他会伴着我们、保护我们、拯救我们,与我们一同走过

God already gave me commission and calling, he promised me will always be with me and save me.

I remember the devotion of your youth, your love as a bride, how you followed me in the wilderness, in a land not sown. (Jeremiah2:2)

Yes, I’ve had the passion and devotion to God. I’ve had that extravagant first love. Either did he find me in the desert or in the land of prosper; I’ve loved him that much. However, I went astray, turn my back to God, and seek after strangers. God, I long for too that first love for you!

That has become my stumbling stone; that has become huge block on the way of God’s will; that has become my weakest weakness.

His words thoroughly exposes me!

For my people committed two evils:

They have forsaken me, the fountain of living water,

and dug out cisterns for themselves,

cracked cisterns that can hold no water. (Jeremiah2:13)

Yet I planted you as a choice vine,

from the purest stock.

How then did you turn degenerate and become a wild vine?

Though you wash yourself with lye and use much soap,

the stain of your guilt is still before me, says the Lord God. (Jeremiah2:21)

But you said:”It is hopeless, for I have loved strangers, and after them I will go.” (Jeremiah2:25)

How well you direct your course to seek lovers! (Jeremiah2:33)

Like a wild animal, I recklessly run after things that do not profit, that are destructive.

However, I return, return to God.

Return, faithless Israel, says the Lord.

I will not look on you in anger, for I am merciful, says the Lord.

I will not be angry forever.

Only acknowledge your guilt,

that you have rebelled against the Lord your God,

and scattered your favors among strangers under every green tree,

and have not obeyed my voice, says the Lord.

Return, O faithless children, says the Lord,

for I am your master;

I will take you, one from a city and two from a family,

and I will bring you to Zion. (Jeremiah3:12-14)

How He loves us

 
He is jealous for me
Love’s like a hurricane, I am a tree
Bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy
When all of a sudden, I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory
and I realize just how beautiful You are and how great your affections are for me.
Oh, how He loves us so
Oh, how He loves us
How He loves us so.

Yeah, He loves us
Woah, how He loves us 

So we are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes
If grace is an ocean we’re all sinking
So heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss and my heart turns violently inside of my chest
I don’t have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way

That he loves us,
Woah, how He loves us

He loves us,
Woah, how He loves us

Cause He loves us,
Woah, how He loves us

Yeah, He loves us
Woah, how He loves us

Long for the first love

Lost in the darkness; confused in the midst of confusion.

I hear:

Keep your bar raised high, aim higher, shoot higher, run hard. There is every kind of seduction to divert your course. Every day, every minute practically there is an invitation to step off the path, the path to the highest calling of God, the path of our destiny, the reason why we are here, all of which simply because we get our own strength, and it’s our humanism. Take detour every step away a year here, a year there and then we return back to our first love and find the passion in the love again, realizing that we lost that year again. God has to compress the time and make up for what we’ve lost. Imagine what our lives could be if we did set the bar higher, if we did run harder, if we did press into relationships and give up our own agenda for the Kingdom. Then we could be a warrior of faith. Then we could be one of a few that steps to make a difference. I want to be that not in the hottie way, not in the proud way. Any of us could get anything done for the Kingdom gotta through the power of God, not in our own strength. There is nothing to brag about to fight valiantly for the hearts of those around us, to not give up until we are victorious.

I pray:

Raise the bar, shoot higher, run straight, hear clearly from your Holy Spirit, and save so many side steps. God I want to march straight into the center of your will. I don’t need all of the fluff, all of the billboards on the side of my path, inviting me to exhibit here for a year, exhibit there for a month. Take this side road, anything that would invite me off the path which straight into your heart. I don’t want that. Give me strength and clarity to go right where you want me to go and be what you’ve created me to be. I know this is impossible in my own strength. I know this is not possible on my own. I believe that it’s possible with you here to guide me as I daily submit my life to you and humble myself under your might hand.

Waiting till it’s ready

Set me as a seal upon your heart,
as a seal upon your arm;
for love is strong as death,
passion fierce as the grave.
Its flashes are flashes of fire,
a raging flame.
Many waters cannot quench love,
neither can floods drown it.
If one offered for love all the weath of his house,
it would be utterly scorned. (Song of Solomon8:6-7)