day of full of laughter

    回民街完全改成了步行街，小吃摊位更是摆上了街道。穿过灰飞烟灭的建筑工地，我们去了大清真寺，和我想像中的很不一样，原来是古代留下的已经被汉化的穆斯林清真寺。中午本打算去吃泡馍，可有个人被满街的美食绊住了脚步，没办法，这就是西安，谁能抗拒诱人的丰富西安小吃呢？

    天气很热，我们都像被困在密封的容器里无法自由呼吸。空气里没有一丝凉意，我们走在城墙上，可是太阳却不耀眼，我总是不自觉的将西安和温哥华比较。Andy有了新招式逗我笑，身着绿色“态度”T，不知如何，他将腹部一鼓一鼓的，像是青蛙大叔又和他的身材极为不符。我笑地前仰后合。好了，腹肌和面部肌都得到了很好的锻炼，于是我们下午去玩玩桌球。 

    约了方姐姐，很想念她，在电话里就和她聊的非常开心，她还是老样子，幽默的不得了。见面了，又热情不得了，我就是禁不住地喜欢她人好，善良又单纯，直率又豪爽。她的桌球技术还是一级棒，可是我这徒弟已经很久没碰球，退步不少了，Andy同学打地也很在行，他还挺识相，把方姐姐叫master. 哈哈。晚上更high，到钱柜去唱歌，这可是Andy 点名要求的。要看看这老外如何在西安的KTV里一展歌喉。连钱柜也变了，自助餐远没有当初那么好吃那么多了，听说西安又开了家更好的滚石，真是后浪推前浪，一代更比一代强啊。方姐姐不愧是玩家，会唱的歌从70年代我们出生前的古代歌曲，到最新的年轻歌手从没听过名字的新歌，包罗万象，题材众多。Andy同学也是个麦霸，英文儿歌到摇滚，还有SHE的“super star”, 陶哲的“今天你要嫁给我”。哇，这可是我近一年多第一次唱K 了，真是太怀念了。也发现自己完全out了。会唱的还是那么几首。总之，很开心，还有方姐姐的两个朋友，我们五个人足足唱了四个小时，真是过瘾。不知是什么错误预报，竟然预报晚上会有7级大风，因为受台风影响，这可是从没听说过的。西安南面秦岭，什么大风大雨早被山脉挡住了。不过为了安全起见，还是早早回家为妙。

a China-lover Christian

From our point of view, the Bible is part of God’s total revelation to man. God reveals himself through creation, the beauty of the world. The whole creation speaks of the glory of God and the power of God. So when one looks at creation, you get a picture that God is almighty, that he loves beauty, that he is creative, that he also enjoys himself because of all the birds and the fish and the amazing things in creation. And secondly, God has revealed himself personally. In the Book of Colossians, it says about Jesus Christ, “He is the visible image of the invisible God.”

 

And my own conviction, of course the conviction of all Christians, is that the Bible is inspired by God, even though the authors wrote freely, God overruled—if you can use that word-so that the end result was what God wanted us to know about him. And this is profoundly logical. Because if God is a personal God, we believe that he created us humans so that we could relate to him.

 

But if you know God, then you have a point of reference. Where did I come from? Why am I here? Where am I going? So there is a sense of history: where is my origin? There is a sense of purpose: why am I here? And a sense of destiny: where am I going? What is the future?

 

We get every emotional when we think that Jesus, the Son of God, would die for us.

 

Forgiveness has to be the highest level of spiritual development, I think. Because as you read in the Bible, it says, “God so loved the world that he gave his only one and only Son; that whoever believes in him should not perish or be punished but have eternal life.” So God had that dilemma with us human beings.

 

God as judge has to deal with us harshly because we’ve broken his laws. But because God also is love and he’s a loving Father he found a way to forgive us judicially. And that’s the mystery of the crucifixion of Jesus Christ. Because it was God taking upon himself the punishment that the human race deserved so as to be able to forgive us and make us new people. It’s a profound thought. But that’s what the cross is about.

 

Jesus said, “If you will open your heart to me, I will come into your life, forgive all your mistakes and all your sins, give you peace in your conscience. I will send my Spirit into your life. I will give you the assurance of eternal life. I will answer your prayers. I will guide your path. I will bless you in every way. I will set you free from vices that you may have secretly.

 

So, true Christians do not hide inside a church building. They are actually scientists, professors and research people that are involved in all areas of life, in the economy and in politics. There are people who are believers in all walks of life.

 

As a believer in Jesus Christ, I feel religion is closely related to society and our daily life. For example, Christ has a direct bearing on social stability because a true Christian will respect those in authority. Christ has much impact on intellectual pursuit and eternal life. Christ provides answers to such questions as “Who am I?” “Where do I come from?” “Why am I here?” “Where am I heading?” and “What is the aim of my existence?”

 

Religion is man’s effort to find God. Christianity does not call itself a religion. True Christianity is a relationship, a personal relationship with God himself. Really, a true Christian presents Jesus Christ as the way, and if offers that way to everybody around the world. But it doesn’t force a person. You are free to say “no”. And if you say “no,” you are on your own. But I still love you and respect you. We are still friends.

 

I see millions of Chinese turning their hearts over to Jesus. It has been happening in the last few years. Every generation needs to have a change of heart because a harmonious society cannot come if my heart is evil and your heart is evil and we are clashing with each other. That’s why it says in the Bible, “If anyone is in Christ, you become a new person. The old has passed away and everything becomes new.”

 

My mother taught me to love China. When I was a little boy, we used to pray for China all the time. And to see China flourishing, it’s amazing. And as a Christian, I think if the foundation of Jesus builds it up, it’s going to be even more amazing.

 

From my perspective, my dream would be that every Chinese person would find peace with God through Jesus. That’s my dream. Because we all know we are going to die and the interesting thing is that Jesus offers the absolute assurance of eternal life to every sinner who repents and believes in him. He doesn’t expect us to be perfect; otherwise nobody would have eternal life. He offers us forgiveness and then the assurance of heaven forever when we die. I particularly love this verse from the Gospel of John, “The Son of God did not come into the world to condemn the world but that through him the world would be saved.”

 

Today I was thinking that friends should be honest with each other and sometimes it hurts a little when friends tell the truth to each other. But it’s always for good. And I was reminded of the words of King Solomon, the wisest man in the world. “Better are the wounds of a friend than the kisses of an enemy.” The wounds may hurt a little but it heals afterwards.

 

      Quoted from “A Friendly Dialogue between an Atheist and a Christian” by Luis Palau and Zhao Qizheng

在家的这几天

回家已经两周多了。很多感触。

 

到家的第二天，去了购物中心，挤公车，忍受难耐的热浪和人群，我突然间很想念温哥华。 不到一个小时，我便从拥挤的商场逃回家。想念温哥华的安静，清爽。

 

很快，Andy从北京到了西安。这哥们儿已经在中国近两个月了，真佩服他的冒险精神。不到一周的时间，作为地主之谊，我也希望他能玩好吃好。也是因为他的缘故，让我对很多从前的记忆有了更新。

 

吃了我梦寐已久的烤鸭，他在西安的第一餐。很多时候，一个金发碧眼的英俊老外还是会吸引许多目光。第二天我们就向兵马俑进发，这可是不能不去的地方。和爸爸妈妈，我们四人在炎热的夏日一日的旅游。我和Andy两个人进了兵马俑博物馆，突然间被包围在丰厚的历史当中，觉得沉甸甸的自豪。我对兵马俑的记忆已经所剩无几，又一次重新站在那雄伟的千万兵士前面，的确有令人惊艳之感。其实，应该找个导游好好讲解，这其中历史滋味我想更是耐人寻味。然后是华清池。不小的园林，仍然很多游客。还是历史，唐代的历史，还有近代蒋介石的逃逸，当代中国领导人的休闲，都很是有趣。

 

之后，还有时间，因为Andy很想去看看中国地道的农村，于是我们去临潼老家，正好爷爷奶奶正住在那里。一位舅舅带着我们二人在村子里走了一遍，Andy更是吸引了众人的目光，大家都好热情，去的每一家都要给我这个城里来的孩子摘些玉米，红薯。一些人家的房子盖的很大，可我依然能够嗅到贫穷的气息，也许因为看到了太多财富，我的亲人们在这里依旧享受他们的生活，尽管生活简朴。这是我很多年以来再一次这么近距离的走进农村，走进农人的家里，带着欢笑和感恩。

 

回家的路上下起了大暴雨，打在车窗上砰砰作响，前方的视线很差，爸爸就开着车，很辛苦，到了西安，有开始经历大塞车，Andy坐在旁边，不禁感叹爸爸的开车技巧很棒，我们得以从不可开交的塞车中寻找机会，回家了。

 

第二天，又是一个惊喜。孤儿院，我的母校。Andy特地带了一些他小时候玩的玩具给孤儿院的小朋友。如今的孤儿院建造的很气派，小朋友们好像住在城堡里。我们了解到很多国际援助组织都和中国有合作，或是帮助孤儿们。World Vision, Half the Sky等等。我对孤儿院的记忆还要追溯的到15年前，小学的时候来参观过，如今完全不同了。小朋友们也得到了更好的照顾。很多都是残疾或者智商问题，然而看着他们快乐的和老师们做游戏，在老师的帮助下做恢复练习，我心中也不住祷告，盼望神的祝福丰富地赐给他们。

 

又一次来到我学习度过六年中学的校园，高中部的变化很大，校园扩建了，多了很多栋楼，操场，跑道，足球场。走进教学楼，又是一翻新鲜，墙壁上都是浮雕和智慧的格言，学生的作品也比比皆是，看的出来，他们比当年的我们强多了，英语文章，演讲大赛，艺术作品。连教室里都有了每一个学生的locker。我很开心，这里有太多的回忆，熟悉的校园和教室，曾经多少的日夜在这里和同胞们奋发努力，开心的唱歌发泄，追逐打闹，紧张的复习考试，踊跃的提问。接着我们到了师大，我的大学，是时间太快还是变化太快？一路上我都惊异变化之大。校园里学生很少，我还期待能偶然遇到朋友。很多楼在建设当中，翻新的篮球场，全新的乒乓球场，还有很酷的涂鸦墙，这点的确令我惊喜。以师大以往的古板传统的形象，夸张的涂鸦的确是道别具特色的一道风景。

8月13日

两个小时的睡眠，我想因为时差，早晨5点就醒来。其实我喜欢这样的生活方式，清晨的开始让我觉得精力充沛。还有一个原因，一年多，我最垂涎三尺的就是早餐，在温哥华是没有早餐的，总是在家随便一下，后来更是因为懒惰和单调，直接早餐省略，睡到中午再一起吃个午饭。家乡就不同，西安早晨有无数种可供选择的早餐，我已经迫不及待了。

 

和妈妈走在熟悉的街道上，清晨就开始车水马龙了。拥挤，忙碌，我开心的享受着这久违的繁杂。我住的地方没有很大变化，忙碌的上班族开车，走路，卖了带走的早餐匆忙赶路，也有坐在街边的小孩，老人慢慢享用。吃完早饭，老人们都去赶早晨的菜市场买菜。我观察着，新鲜地看着，然后我自己坐在街边，一手是1块5毛的牛肉饼，一手舀着1块钱的卤汁豆腐脑。我绝对满足了！

 

只是听说，原来真的在国内无法登录facebook和youtube.现在我可以想象了，特别是读过《Red China Blues》。

 

回到舅舅家，舅妈又新养了两只狗狗，一只牧羊犬飞儿，一只贵宾乖乖。刚进门，他们不认识我，对我狂吼一番，我也吓得乱叫，见面礼算是都给过了，彼此先用尖叫问候了下。见到舅舅，舅妈，一下子看到时光的痕迹，是啊，弟弟都长大到我要仰视，我呢，也不再是十几年前的小朋友了。

 

坐在车上，我们去看爷爷奶奶。他们在农村住了两个月了，他们是我最想念的人。

8月12日

一年多后，又一次坐上飞机回家。这次没了那想家的激动，很平静，我一个人上了飞机。有本书在手边，《Back to Jerusalem》。我如饥似渴地阅读。

 

I was stunned by those Chinese Christians faith. They are my antecessors on faith. It’s such pivotal time for me to reflect on my belief and faith in God.

 

When offerings are received during house church meetings in China, evangelists sometimes find they have absolutely nothing to put into the bag. So they literally step into the offering bag themselves and unconditionally offer their whole lives as a living sacrifice to the service of God.

 

They are not only going out into the world with a message, they are living messages. They are absolutely nothing in the eyes of the world, but are sharp arrows in the hands of God.

 

God never changes. While we are looking for better methods and stronger men and women, God is looking for weak vessels with no confidence in their own abilities. He does this so that his work will be done his way and so that all the glory will go to Jesus Christ.

 

Satan’s first choice is to cooperate with us. Persecution is only his second-best method.

 

God has, as always, been faithful to his children.

 

I want to experience the same pain and suffering of Jesus on the cross, the spear in his side, the pain in his heart. I’d rather fell the pain of shackles on my feet than ride through Egypt in Pharaoh’s chariot.

 

The Lord always finished what he starts and is always faithful to fulfill his promise.

 

We shouldn’t pray for a lighter load to carry, but a stronger back to endure!

 

Success is obeying God. Failure is when we don’t obey God.

 

There is always something to keep us on the run, and it’s very difficult to sleep while you’re running.

 

We are concentrating on getting the job done in the power of the Lord. The details of how this happens we leave to the Lord.

 

If we lose our first love and start to focus on our own needs, our spiritual life will shrivel up and die.

 

God’s principle is that when you seek to bring blessing to others, your own lives will be blessed.

 

When you are truly obeying the Lord’s call you please God, and when you are in step with the work of the Holy Spirit you begin to fell the heartbeat of our loving Savior. Your work stops being a chore, and starts becoming a natural overflow of the love of God than has been deposited in your heart.

 

It always pays to do what the Lord tells us to do. Don’t argue, don’t fight it, and don’t try to work out all the details with your mind. Just do it. That is one mark of a true disciple of Jesus Christ.

 

If you haven’t discovered something you are willing to die for, then you haven’t yet found anything worth living for.

 

God cannot use a person who wants a safe and comfortable Christian life.

 

Ironically, the more we feed our souls without serving God’s purposes in the earth, the more our souls get sick of he food and bloated with information.

 

The longer a person disobeys God, the colder their heart grows.    

 

                                                                                  (cited from "Back to Jerusalem", Brother Yun, Peter Xi Yongze, Enoch Wang with Paul Hattaway)

 

I felt ashamed comparing with those faith giants who are also Chinese yet who suffered and endured for the cause of God. What I’ve been through—loneliness, isolation, spiritual warfare, culture and language barriers—now seem so tiny and petty. They’ve been through brutal persecution, devastating stage of living by faith. And their faith, that is called FAITH! Even though it seemed impossible, seemed too far to fetch, their faith, their hope brought them far beyond human comprehension.

 

Tears welled up in my eyes; I can’t help confessing and praying to God. I thank him for picking me up when I fell; I thank him for rekindle first love through this powerful book. Souls are heading to hell, how much time we left? Not even we could count. How on earth I’ve been playing the game. It is LIFE and DEATH! My Chinese fellows have such enormous faith and would do anything for the Kingdom of God, even to die for it. What am I whining about? I’ve been too comfortable; I’ve been too disobedient; yet God never abandon me or forsake me. He is been faithful to bring me back to his court, his embrace.

 

11小时飞机，5小时浦东机场的等候，2小时飞机终于到家。即将落地上海，天空已不同，空气中混杂着潮湿，浑浊，天空灰黄，阴沉。我想什么时候中国也能够看到湛蓝的天空，呼吸到每一个清新的氧气分子。5个小时等候，机场人很多，甚至找不到一个休息的地方，我只能拖着疲惫的身体走到令我无可奈何的咖啡厅。价格贵的吓人，我在想是我落伍了，还是中国变化太大了。继续看书，疲倦开始一股股袭来，夜幕中，终于坐上回西安的飞机。从高空中看夜晚的西安很美，发着橙色光的条条带子在黑色中蜿蜒曲折，那是一条条高速公路，连接着每一个灯火通明的城市。那一刻，我想家的情绪开始悸动，视线下就是我的家乡。没有眼泪，没有冲动，我很开心地见到爸爸妈妈，还有叔叔，他们都没怎么变，而是我长大了。回家了，空气很不好，突然的感觉，西安还是落后，灰尘满天，宛如我从一个时代回到了之前的另一个时代。晚上11点到家，已经有大概24个小时没有好好休息，因为时差，我反而很精神。总而言之，回家了，安心了。

I AM FREE

COMPLETELY to you, O Lord!

Angel or Evil?

I ruined everything, everything that has been built up in the process.

Becoming numb, I lost sights. I could have sew the seed for the bright Kingdom; I could have brought life giving precious to people; I could have walk in the light with stunning growth; I could have made a difference in people’s life for good cause.

Yet, everything has been destroyed, by my own bloody hands. What terrifies more is that my heart is becoming hardening and relentless. Standing at the crossroad, I am paranoid, panic, and hesitated to give in and give up.

It’s not just about me, my personal choice. It’s way bigger. I can’t take a wrong step, I can’t! I know it’s gonna be dead end. The last thing I’d love to be is to be a messenger of EVIL!  

 

In the end, what are we to those ideals we hold most cherished?

Who would they choose under of a listless sun?

The dust draws near, and I stand alone, forsaken, shivering on the wing of time and tide.

As dour eyes pale, struggle gives way to the whisper of a merciful eternal hush, and pain washes numb, laughing steadfast on memory’s shore.  

The dream chooses me, a nameless gray morass, riling where I linger and scream with all my might, so I turn and drift into the endless fog until there is nothing and I remain still.

摘自亦舒

爱一个人绝不潇洒，为自己留了后步的，也就不是爱。——《星之碎片》

人们往往只相信他们愿意相信的事。——《旧欢如梦》

你要改是因为你自己愿意改，不要为任何人，怕只怕那人会令你失望，你又得打回原形。——《不易居》

哭要一个人躲着哭，笑呢全世界陪你笑。

人际关系这一门科学永远没有学成毕业的一日，每天都似投身于砂石中，缓缓磨动，皮破血流之余所积得的宝贵经验便是一般人口中的圆滑。——《我的前半生》

做人凡是要静；静静地来，静静地去，静静努力，静静收获，切忌喧哗。——《直至海枯石烂》

原来你若真爱一个人，内心酸涩，反而会说不出话来，甜言蜜语，多数说给不相干的人听。——《她的二三事》

能够说出的委屈，便不算委屈；能够抢走的爱人，便不算爱人。——《开到荼蘼》

能够哭就好，哭是开始痊愈的象征。——《绝对是个梦》

已去之事不可留，已逝之情不可恋，能留能恋，就没有今天。——《花常好月常圆人长久》

行乐及时，上天给你什么，就享受什么。千万不要去听难堪的话，一定不去见难看的人，或者做难做的事，爱上不应爱的人。——《电光幻影》

真正的才华如火焰难以收藏，总会燎原。——《曾经深爱过》

人一定要受过伤才会沉默专注，无论是心灵或肉体上的创伤，对成长都有益处。——《花解语》

一个成熟的人往往发觉可以责怪的人越来越少，人人都有他的难处。——《我们不是天使》

失去的东西，其实从来未曾真正地属于你，也不必惋惜。——《玫瑰的故事》

有能力的人影响别人，没能力的一群受人影响。——《喜宝》

我提着一个袋子，边走边拾，一路上拾起无数我不想要的东西。当我遇到我真正想要的东西之时，袋子已经装满了。——《印度墨》

一个人走不开，不过因为他不想走开；一个人失约，乃他不想赴约，一切借口均属废话，都是用以掩饰不愿牺牲。——《一千零一妙方》